“Mommy, why do you look like that?”

My daughter cried as she spoke these words to me. The words stung like a bee stinging me over and over again. Diagnosed with bipolar disorder on September 11, 2004 when I was admitted to the psychiatric ward of the Victoria General Hospital, I felt like a zombie due to the effects of the medication. I also experienced a wide range of symptoms which included anxiety, panic attack, aggressive behavior, random spending sprees, irregular sleeping patterns, poor concentration, racing thoughts and excessive energy.

For many years, I merely existed. Hospitalized a total of twelve times in various locations in the world, I withdrew from friends and lacked self-confidence and trust in Christ. None of my friends knew I was ill as I was ashamed to speak about the illness due to the stigma. In the moments when I literally believed I was losing my mind, the Lord graciously told me, “I’m with you. You are not losing your mind.” This journey caused my family extreme stress and fear. Yet through it all, we learned a powerful lesson about compassion and grace from our wonderful Savior.

For so long I survived life instead of thriving. How would I be delivered from this life of fear and insecurity? Due to the stigma of mental illness, I didn’t accept the diagnosis until August 2007. My conversations bred insecurity and constant comparison to others:

Was he looking at me?

Does she know what I’m living with?

Erratic and strange behavior plagued me in those years. I lived in denial and did not take the medication consistently. I eventually realized that in order to get well, I had to move beyond denial and accept the diagnosis and take the medication.

In 2006, I heard God gently whisper to my heart clearly, “Launch out into the deep.” At that time, I did not understand what this meant, and even if I understood, fear would not have allowed me to respond. It wasn’t until 2011 I would understand what that meant. From 2011 to 2015, I gladly welcomed a period of peace with no hospitalizations. I launched “Operation Recovery” as I was determined to live the abundant life as Jesus promised in John10:10. During this period, I facilitated a Christian-based support group for persons with mood disorders called Living Room and participated in the Speakers Bureau of the Canadian Mental Health Association.

Although I have experienced other episodes since that time—and with it loss, fear and rejection from friends—God has comforted me along the journey. I realized the peace and contentment that I sought could only be attained through divine intervention. I found hope to recover through my faith and confidence in God.

During my mental health journey, God reminded me of David’s journey. 1 Samuel 17 says:

“A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, came out of the Philistine camp… Goliath stood and shouted to the ranks of Israel, “Why do you come out and line up for battle? Am I not a Philistine, and are you not the servants of Saul? Choose a man and have him come down to me. If he is able to fight and kill me, we will become your subjects; but if I overcome him and kill him, you will become our subjects and serve us.” As he was talking with them, Goliath, the Philistine champion from Gath, stepped out from his lines and shouted his usual defiance, and David heard it… As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him…Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell face down on the ground. So David triumphed over the Philistine with a sling and a stone; without a sword in his hand he struck down the Philistine and killed him.” (v.4;8;48-49).

David was called to launch into the deep and so am I. Delivered from fear and bondage, I now say “Dear Father, I am ready to launch out into the deep.” With the Lord on my side, like David, I will declare God’s truth and advance to meet the Goliaths, regardless of how they may present themselves. Armed with the truth of John 10:10, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.” I am compelled to move forward in freedom.