“Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.”- Revelation 3:20
My husband and I prayed when we were starting a family. We were told we could not have children naturally, and that our options were adoption, fostering or in vitro fertilization. We opted for in vitro, praying mightily through the process. Prayer warriors persevered with us through a failed attempt and a second try, and then celebrated with us when we received the long-awaited positive pregnancy test!
I felt that we had finally heard God’s ‘Yes’ to a deeply held dream—a family of our own. The financial sacrifices, medical procedures and waiting had all been worth it. However, God was saying yes to something bigger than I could have imagined.
Three months after celebrating our pregnancy, we were mourning a miscarriage. Our daughter had died from a genetic abnormality. There was nothing we could have done to prevent it. Learning more about this random disease, we realized that if she had beaten the odds and been carried full term, her life would have been short and painful. God, in His infinite wisdom and love, had called our daughter home to heaven because it was the best thing for her, although it certainly didn’t feel like the best thing for us.
What was God saying yes to when He gave us a child in the first place? Heartache, anguish, starting all over again? I believed that God had answered our prayers for a child. What did I believe now that He had taken my child away?
In the weeks after the miscarriage and my subsequent surgeries, I told God exactly how I felt, and in doing so, I grew closer to Him than I ever could have imagined. I expected to be covered in a cloud of depression, but instead I was covered by His wings. I learned to trust when I heard the voice of God speaking to me, and I learned to listen as He comforted me.
God was saying yes to a deeper relationship with Him, a deeper experience of His love and comfort.
If I believed His plan for our family included biological children, then a miscarriage wouldn’t change that. I will never fully understand His way, and God tells us that in Isaiah 55:9: “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
My husband, an Alliance pastor, and I had faced many challenges in our six years of ministry and marriage, but nothing that touched my faith as deeply as my miscarriage. How could I say that I trusted God if I had never had any dreams to trust Him with? How could I say I truly loved God if that love was never tested? How could I say that I truly knew God loved me if that love was never questioned?
When God said yes to our prayers for a family, He was saying yes to much more than a baby. He was saying yes to a relationship with me, but He was expecting me to say yes in return. I had wanted my miracle for my own reasons, but God had a purpose much greater than mine. In delaying the blessing of children, God had given me the greatest blessing of all—a life abundant in Him, and that is something I will always say Yes to.